Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation
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Popular actress and stand-up comedienne Elizabeth Beckwith gives us the parenting guide to end all parenting guides: Raising the Perfect Child through Guilt and Manipulation. A frequent guest on The Late, Late Show and one of seven comics featured in the Time magazine article, “Funny: The Next Generation,” Beckwith now puts forth a hilarious new parenting philosophy that would shock Dr. Spock and traumatize T. Berry Brazelton. Raising the Perfect Child through Guilt and Manipulation is a riotously irreverent take on contemporary child rearing.
Places Where “the Look” Comes In Handy Church or synagogue Doctor’s waiting room Rearview mirror One of the many benefits of the nonverbal nature of “the look” is the psychological advantage it gives you. Your child is not sure how much you have seen or exactly what you know (this is closely tied to the mind control techniques we discussed in Chapter 6). This is perfect for when your kid is about to leave the house with a friend who you are suspicious of. Just shoot your child the
disbelief. For my dad, no lead was secure until the final buzzer blew. I, of course, adopted this belief for myself as I began to emulate my father, yelling at the refs for ignoring calls that I believed were a direct attempt to sabotage our more-than-comfortable lead. “Are you kidding me?! He took like ninety steps!” “This guy’s living in the key!” “How is that not a foul? This guy’s an animal!” Oddly, our opponent’s fans did not find a nasal-voiced little girl screaming at referees very cute.
makeup routines. I thought this was supposed to be a casual weekend? Why was the one in the middle wearing platform shoes? Regretting my decision to pack minimal hair and makeup supplies and wondering what this said about me as a future spouse, I fell back asleep. The way the days were structured, we would have lectures on specific topics such as “openness in communication” or “signs of a closed relationship,” and then we would go off on our own to reflect and answer questions in our journals.
the topless girl staring back some tough questions. For starters, “How badly do I want that Girls Gone Wild T-shirt?” I realize this is a badge of honor in some circles—the sorority girl equivalent of the Girl Scout cookie badge. But the reality is, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, you’re about to shoot a porno—and all you got was a lousy T-shirt! At least real porno actresses get cash and cocaine. Second, “What would my parents think?” For some of you, this may be a bit of a loaded
Gram. When my brother Patrick, who was eleven years old at the time, left to spend most of July with Grandma, he was a skinny little kid who couldn’t gain weight if he tried. When he came back, he was fat. No one recognized him when he got off the plane in an entirely new wardrobe, as the clothes he left with no longer fit him. The story of Patrick became a cautionary tale of what could happen if you accepted food every time an Italian relative offered it to you. By the time I made my first solo